Why are most men intimidated by smart and successful women?

[PatientElle®]

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Uhm...

I was told that I'm an alpha female. I intimidate people. It's not intentional although sometimes I make a conscious effort to be authoritative and bossy. (Dahil na din sa trabaho ko)

But I am a traditional woman by heart. I bow to my man. I let my man be the man. But why is it that men are still wary of me? My exes used to complain na parang nasasapawan ko sila. I'm not competetive naman. It's just that I aim to excel at whatever it is I put my mind on. 

Is it a matter of ego and pride? If so, should I try to downplay myself to make my potential partner more comfy? (The old "Me guy, me work, you woman, take care of laundry, cook meal and spread your legs" philosophy)

[Heartless Herptile]

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Uhm...

I was told that I'm an alpha female. I intimidate people. It's not intentional although sometimes I make a conscious effort to be authoritative and bossy. (Dahil na din sa trabaho ko)

But I am a traditional woman by heart. I bow to my man. I let my man be the man. But why is it that men are still wary of me? My exes used to complain na parang nasasapawan ko sila. I'm not competetive naman. It's just that I aim to excel at whatever it is I put my mind on. 

Is it a matter of ego and pride? If so, should I try to downplay myself to make my potential partner more comfy? (The old "Me guy, me work, you woman, take care of laundry, cook meal and spread your legs" philosophy)

Women are starting to be movers in the workforce and have very high ranking positions. First things first: you ARE the boss so you have to have respect from subordinates, no bones about it there. You may be a benevolent boss but a boss still. It's your job and you have to do it.

Perhaps it IS a guy thing. Men believe they have to be the providers and take care of their families, thats why an independent and successful woman like yourself would be intimidating. We sometimes think we should earn more than women, "protect" women, etc etc.

Don't downplay yourself. A guy should first have the guts to approach someone like you (yeah, sounds easy, doesn't it?) and be willing to take the risks. I'm all for gender equality.

This is more prevalent in other countries. Our country could still be considered somewhat patriarchal but go ahead and break the glass ceiling.

[PatientElle®]

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Easier said than done.

I have an officemate who admitted to me just recently that he wanted to ask me out but he got too turned off with the idea because he saw me in action. He said, "you make things work and go your way. I was scared I'd end up being one of your pawns. You may not bully your way through, you have a different approach. But it's scary nevertheless."

What the hell does that mean?!

[Heartless Herptile]

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Easier said than done.

I have an officemate who admitted to me just recently that he wanted to ask me out but he got too turned off with the idea because he saw me in action. He said, "you make things work and go your way. I was scared I'd end up being one of your pawns. You may not bully your way through, you have a different approach. But it's scary nevertheless."

What the hell does that mean?!

Well, think about it: would you like to go out or be with someone who was scared of you ALL the time? You're smart so you'd know how to separate work and your personal life. It's just that you're in a work environment and thus have to act professional-like. It's better outside or after work, then you're not in your "boss" mode. It may even have something to do with the usual misgivings of dating a colleague/boss/subordinate (usually frowned upon at most businesses).

Tagalugin natin: "Gusto sana kita yayain kumain sa labas/manood ng sine/mag-coffee pero natatakot ako sayo e. Baka mamaya utus-utusan mo lang ako kasi gusto mo nasusunod ka."

Somebody just needs to bite the bullet, think "never say die" and ask you out without saying "I'm scared you'll eat me alive." Sure you might turn them down but I'll bet you'll still respect that person for stepping up, especially if he's still gracious in his disappointment.

[Heartless Herptile]

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I'd like to add this: so you've been told you're an alpha woman. Do you acknowledge that fact? Let's say for all intents and purposes that you consider yourself to be one. You're driven, motivated successful, you know what you want, what needs to be done and don't take any lip from anybody. Then let's say you don't consider yourself to be one. But you still have the same qualities and therefore project the same image. If you only dole out your authority when you need to then that's no fault of yours. You can try to be less intimidating but this might inadvertently spill over and cause problems in the workplace. I suggest it's better to be outside the workplace, somewhere neutral where you could be disassociated with the boss role.

Hmmm maybe a better example? If I was to see a single woman I'd love to get to know but say to myself "awww I got no chance with her; what's she gonna see in me, anyway?" then I already restricted myself. If a bunch of other guys also think like that then I'll bet the woman could also thinking "what's wrong with me? Am I ugly?" etc etc. That's like what you're feeling now, right? It's like a failure to communicate.

Now let's say I'm like a member of this forum (hehe!) who's fearless and I approached the same single woman and politely attempted to strike up a conversation. For accuracy let's say she shot me down. Oww that hurts! But like what somebody else here said, she will either let me down lightly or tell me to f**k off (which hurts even more). But maybe, just maybe she's secretly flattered and happy someone noticed her and had the confidence (different from overconfidence/arrogance) to actually make a move.

Biggest advice I got: I won't know unless I try. If I get shot down, well, them's the breaks, kid. If 1 out of 10 women I approached said yes then I'd be happy.

So here's to hoping a guy has the guts to try. Still, don't forget your criteria.

[DavyJones]

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hmmm..alpha complex are actually noticeable by others and not set by your own..but by means of intimidation you don't need to be an alpha to intimidate someone..now basing on the facts you said..

Uhm...

I was told that I'm an alpha female. I intimidate people. It's not intentional although sometimes I make a conscious effort to be authoritative and bossy. (Dahil na din sa trabaho ko)

But I am a traditional woman by heart. I bow to my man. I let my man be the man. But why is it that men are still wary of me? My exes used to complain na parang nasasapawan ko sila. I'm not competetive naman. It's just that I aim to excel at whatever it is I put my mind on. 

Is it a matter of ego and pride? If so, should I try to downplay myself to make my potential partner more comfy? (The old "Me guy, me work, you woman, take care of laundry, cook meal and spread your legs" philosophy)

those things are fairly normal..for someone to aim high..and now a days women tend to excel compared to us men..now you don't have to downplay yourself just to get noticed..you're just under the impression of being an alpha due to circumstances you have..

upon the second statement you have..that a guy is scared at you or intimidated by means of authority..

well all i can say the guy has no BALLS..wherein to be honest now a days the male species are easy to be intimidated most of us have low self esteem and to top it all we don't want to be over-mimed.. ..

[PatientElle®]

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Thanks for your thoughts. I guess there's a reason why that damn book was written (Men are from mars, women are from Venus).

Hay ang hirap naman. This whole singleness and dating thingie is making my head hurt.

P.S.

The same guy officemate (well he's not a subordinate, he also belong to the same managerial level though we handle different departments) said something to another colleague that's close to me. He said that he's attracted to me dahil I come across as "untouchable" sexually. The line is like, "mukha shang prim and proper pero I think if I were to sleep with her, I'd end up surprised beyond my wildest imagination". Now THAT irked me because I don't like people talking like that behind my back. And to think that he said that to someone whom he knows fully well, is a close confidant of mine. (To a certain degree. I keep my affairs to myself and I operate strictly on a need to know basis with regard to my private life).

Ano kayang point nun?!

[Heartless Herptile]

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Thanks for your thoughts. I guess there's a reason why that damn book was written (Men are from mars, women are from Venus).

Hay ang hirap naman. This whole singleness and dating thingie is making my head hurt.

P.S.

The same guy officemate (well he's not a subordinate, he also belong to the same managerial level though we handle different departments) said something to another colleague that's close to me. He said that he's attracted to me dahil I come across as "untouchable" sexually. The line is like, "mukha shang prim and proper pero I think if I were to sleep with her, I'd end up surprised beyond my wildest imagination". Now THAT irked me because I don't like people talking like that behind my back. And to think that he said that to someone whom he knows fully well, is a close confidant of mine. (To a certain degree. I keep my affairs to myself and I operate strictly on a need to know basis with regard to my private life).

Ano kayang point nun?!

Hmmm I don't think you would really want to go out with this guy now. Saying he's scared of you and now this. I think that statement was an effort to get back some male dominance. Guys talk like that to other guys. That being said lady bosses do have a degree of sexual attractiveness but off-color remarks are still uncalled for.

I agree with DavyJones. A lot of guys are intimated more often than you think. That's why nobody approaches you to the point you think there's really something wrong with you when there isn't. What you need is someone who could look past those strong quality traits of yours without overlooking them. Does that make sense? Someone who knows who you are, accepts those traits and appreciates them as being part of you. Maybe he would even be attracted by those traits instead of intimidated by them.

Now you've done a self-analysis. But these aren't faults. It's different if you were overbearing, bossy or just genuinely like to breathe down people's necks. Then everybody would be scared, not just guys. It's normal to look at yourself after breakups but don't look for faults where there aren't any.

Have a great day!

[pastor paradox]

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I am not intimidated by smart,successful women, I am turned on by them.
But women who are smart are not interested in me

[all roads lead to ROME]

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Hmmm I don't think you would really want to go out with this guy now. Saying he's scared of you and now this. I think that statement was an effort to get back some male dominance. Guys talk like that to other guys. That being said lady bosses do have a degree of sexual attractiveness but off-color remarks are still uncalled for.

I agree with DavyJones. A lot of guys are intimated more often than you think. That's why nobody approaches you to the point you think there's really something wrong with you when there isn't. What you need is someone who could look past those strong quality traits of yours without overlooking them. Does that make sense? Someone who knows who you are, accepts those traits and appreciates them as being part of you. Maybe he would even be attracted by those traits instead of intimidated by them.

Now you've done a self-analysis. But these aren't faults. It's different if you were overbearing, bossy or just genuinely like to breathe down people's necks. Then everybody would be scared, not just guys. It's normal to look at yourself after breakups but don't look for faults where there aren't any.

Have a great day!

Herptile: Your analysis really make sense, Davy Jones did a good job.

           Most of Filipino men asserts their authority specially in a relationship, they are afraid of the notion to be "Andres De Saya".
           But Filipino men attitude and norms change through time, in accordance of Generations they belong wherein there is Baby Boomers 
           (post war babies),Gen X (born 60's-late 70's), Gen Y/Millenials (born 80's to 2000) and the Gen Z of the current decade.
           Baby Boomers and Gen X are those conservative and Maria Clara eras, while the Millennials and Gen Z are the liberated and open
           minded stocks.
CynicalandJaded: I sent you a message, maybe we can brainstorm our ideas about this topic, I also work in corporate world but now focusing on Organization Development, a cup of coffee maybe will do.

[DavyJones]

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Thanks for your thoughts. I guess there's a reason why that damn book was written (Men are from mars, women are from Venus).

Hay ang hirap naman. This whole singleness and dating thingie is making my head hurt.

P.S.

The same guy officemate (well he's not a subordinate, he also belong to the same managerial level though we handle different departments) said something to another colleague that's close to me. He said that he's attracted to me dahil I come across as "untouchable" sexually. The line is like, "mukha shang prim and proper pero I think if I were to sleep with her, I'd end up surprised beyond my wildest imagination". Now THAT irked me because I don't like people talking like that behind my back. And to think that he said that to someone whom he knows fully well, is a close confidant of mine. (To a certain degree. I keep my affairs to myself and I operate strictly on a need to know basis with regard to my private life).

Ano kayang point nun?!

point is..that guy has no BALLS..and it is ill mannered..a REAL MAN will always have his balls in the center not on his neck..(PARDON MI FRENCHMAN WORDS MI LADY)..

dont rush in madame..you just need to enjoy being single..like us..happiness does not mean being with someone but being happy with yourself..take time to love yourself first..

[Thitoh BhoY]

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ay ako yan ang gusto ko si gf ay alpha female kaya happy ako

[Heartless Herptile]

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I am not intimidated by smart,successful women, I am turned on by them.
But women who are smart are not interested in me

I commiserate.

ay ako yan ang gusto ko si gf ay alpha female kaya happy ako

Go!

[DocEdd]

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Good for you. Honestly, that type of woman is getting extinct today and I wouldn’t mind you to be that way. Men who say things like that to you are just giving excuses because they can’t accept that you’re better than them. It’s no harm really to be that way, that means you’re an  independent person and that’s a good attribute to have. Rare indeed especially for a female.

Don’t stop being like that, achieve as much as you can because someday you’re going to look up and say to your kid “I did that” and that is one priceless thing. 

[PatientElle®]

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point is..that guy has no BALLS..and it is ill mannered..a REAL MAN will always have his balls in the center not on his neck..(PARDON MI FRENCHMAN WORDS MI LADY)..

dont rush in madame..you just need to enjoy being single..like us..happiness does not mean being with someone but being happy with yourself..take time to love yourself first..

Will do Sir! Thanks for your insights, at least lumilinaw na ang lahat. (Parang Meralco lang)