confused by mix signals in courting

[slicky23]

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i really need help on this one, as i am hopelessly in love.  I am not filipino, i am chinese, i met this amazing filipina in a third country here in asia where we both work, we first met thru mutual friends and went out to dinner with friends.  The second time we all went out, she informed me that her bf had broken up with her, and we ended up isolating ourselves from the group and talked for about 5 hours.  We started seeing eachother, alot!! however she keeps giving me mixed signals, we arent officially together, i am still in the courting stage.  when i am with her, she is so loving, but when i am not with her, i always have to initiate the contact.  If i dont see her, we may only talk on the phone 20 minutes a day, and with that she says i am demanding too much of her time.  About a month ago, i went to philippines to visit her family by myself because she couldnt get off work.  She tells me that is normal while courting, that the man visits the family, even though we arent together yet.  Now she wants me to go again next month to visit her family.  I have fallen in love with this girl, and her family is just as wholesome and wonderful.  but here is the problem.  I have been seeing her for almost 4 months now, and i know for a fact that there is not regular contact between her and her ex-bf, but she tells me that she still loves him, but is trying to move on.  I told her i dont know if i can handle waiting knowing that she still loves someone else because my feelings for her are too intense.  she tells me she has feelings for me and doesnt want to lose me, but she isnt yet ready for a relationship because all she feels is fear of losing someone again, but last week, he contacted her via online chat, and she spoke to him for 45 minutes, she says they were only talking as friends and that he already has another girlfriend.  I am so confused as what to do.  I do love her, and if its just time, i would wait until she is ready, but if she is still in love with someone else then i dont know.....also, i dont think i am willing to accept her still having communications with her ex-bf.  two weeks ago she moved about 5 hours away, and the last day i saw her, we shared our first kiss. She always tells all her friends how much she miss them, but she never says that to me.....i asked her why, because i know she does, and she tells me its the filipina style.  Is all this just a big waiting game? Is she still testing me? or is she really unable to move past the trauma her ex-bf caused her?  Does it really mean nothing as she says about me meeting her family?  In my culture, if I introduce a significant other to my family, it would mean its a serious relationship....does she take me seriously but just wont quite admit it yet?? Please help me analyze this situation, i am driving myself insane because i am so in love with her!!!!!!!

[DocEdd]

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Sociologically Speaking…

This is more on miscommunication really. Mostly about each other’s culture. But let me point it out to you. Back in the old Filipino days, when a guy likes a girl, he usually courts the girl by going to the female’s family, just like what happened to you. This is a sign of introduction and respect for the Filipino family so they’ll know you do not have any bad intentions about their daughter. This is very important for the female because Filipinos are very family-centered. Earning the family’s trust is always the first step in a Filipino courting ritual.

Filipino families often play a part in their daughter’s relationship decisions so you’ll see her family often when you have a relationship with her.

Usually, the courting stage of a traditional Filipino female is years. Maybe 1-3 years. Yep, you’ve heard it right, years. Assuming this girl of yours is a traditional kind of female which I think she is. This is why some researchers considered the Filipino courting ritual to be one of the most complex type in the world because you have to go a series of trials before ever having a serious relationship with their female.

One of these trials is your patience. If a guy really loves the girl, he will wait for her approval no matter how much time is spent. If patience is not one of your virtues, then I suggest you should look for another girl because this is another sign of respect for Filipina girls.

Although modern Filipinas do not emphasize anymore on the traditional aspects of the Filipino courting rituals, it’s still one of the most effective style of choosing someone’s mate. How so? According to recent research, the most effective type of choosing someone’s mate is to prolong the courting stage. Meaning the female must let the guy court her for a long time usually years. The purpose of this is to get to know the guy very well and to separate the good ones from the bad ones. Why? Because the bad one are the impatient ones or in other words, “the ones who likes to make everything fast”.

Another point experts say about its importance is for the girl to avoid having sex with the wrong ones. This will further avoid any heartbreaks and depression the girl might encounter and will avoid any unwanted pregnancy. So you can’t blame this girl for letting you wait, it’s in our tradition. If you really like her, I suggest that you wait.

Psychologically Speaking….

The other aspect of your problem is that this girl of yours has an ex-boyfriend. Now in Psychology, there’s this thing we call “the stages of grieving”. It was made by a doctor named Kubler Ross. Now you might ask, “What the hell does this have to do with my situation?” Let me explain it to you in detail so you’ll understand what’s happening to her because your situation is not really confusing as you thought.

There are 5 stages of grieving, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Everyone of us encounter this from time to time. For example, when someone breaks up with her boyfriend, the first thing she would feel is “Denial”. In this stage, she would say to herself, “No, I can’t believe we broke up” or “This is not happening, I refuse to believe it”. When this happens, the individual might go back and beg for the guy to take her back and if he refuses, then comes the second stage of grieving which is “Anger”.

Anger stage is self explanatory. We all feel this. When the individual feel she was betrayed, she usually says to herself, “That stupid bastard, why did I ever choose him!” or “That lying son of a jackal, I hope he burns in hell!” Some people who cannot overcome this stage will eventually give birth to rage and jealousy which in turn will kill their partner like what happen to the call center agent who was killed out of jealousy.

The next stage which is “Bargaining” she will say to herself, “If I only had some more time, I could show him how I really love him” or “Please Lord, give me some more time to show her how much I love her”. It’s a form of a negotiation to a higher power in exchange for self-redemption.

The forth stage is “Depression”. I think this is self explanatory because all of us have already experienced this numerous times in our life. Most people who have a weak self esteem spend an enormous amount of time in this stage because they refuse to accept what happened to them. It might be that what happened was traumatic and recuperating from it will take time.

Now I want you to pay close attention to this stage, Depression. This is where your girl is at now. Because she had a past love experience with her boyfriend, she refuses to do something rash like going directly into a relationship without any closure from her boyfriend. This explains why she keeps communicating with him it’s because she is finding closure with him.

People who are depressed needs time to think and heal. They surround themselves with friends and family so they can heal past wounds. This is why it’s important that you respect her and give her space. If she says she doesn’t want any relationship at this moment then agree with her. Why? Because if she did, it will only mean that she is using that relationship to cover up her depression. And she doesn’t want to do that to you. If she does want to have a relationship with you, she wants to be ready and complete, with no strings attached so stop getting jealous and try to understand her.

So when is she her depression going to end? When she reaches the last stage which is “Acceptance”. In this stage, she has already accepted her fate that her boyfriend is gone and she needs to move on. It’s hard to tell when she’s going to come into this stage but I know she can reach this. It is only through time that we will find your answer.

In conclusion…

Right now she is undergoing depression. Do not confuse her action. It’s how people with depression react. You have to respect her needs by giving her time and space so she could make peace with her past. If you rush her into something she’s not ready for, she will react by becoming defensive and might distance herself from you even more and I know you don’t want that.

Try to understand what she’s going through. If you really love her, wait for her. Never rush on love. Right now, all she wants is someone to say her feelings to and I suggest you try to listen to her. Forget your jealousy and pride for a moment, if you want to help her, understand her. It’s the least you can do to ease her pain.

[meagan]

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Sociologically Speaking…

This is more on miscommunication really. Mostly about each other’s culture. But let me point it out to you. Back in the old Filipino days, when a guy likes a girl, he usually courts the girl by going to the female’s family, just like what happened to you. This is a sign of introduction and respect for the Filipino family so they’ll know you do not have any bad intentions about their daughter. This is very important for the female because Filipinos are very family-centered. Earning the family’s trust is always the first step in a Filipino courting ritual.

Filipino families often play a part in their daughter’s relationship decisions so you’ll see her family often when you have a relationship with her.

Usually, the courting stage of a traditional Filipino female is years. Maybe 1-3 years. Yep, you’ve heard it right, years. Assuming this girl of yours is a traditional kind of female which I think she is. This is why some researchers considered the Filipino courting ritual to be one of the most complex type in the world because you have to go a series of trials before ever having a serious relationship with their female.

One of these trials is your patience. If a guy really loves the girl, he will wait for her approval no matter how much time is spent. If patience is not one of your virtues, then I suggest you should look for another girl because this is another sign of respect for Filipina girls.

Although modern Filipinas do not emphasize anymore on the traditional aspects of the Filipino courting rituals, it’s still one of the most effective style of choosing someone’s mate. How so? According to recent research, the most effective type of choosing someone’s mate is to prolong the courting stage. Meaning the female must let the guy court her for a long time usually years. The purpose of this is to get to know the guy very well and to separate the good ones from the bad ones. Why? Because the bad one are the impatient ones or in other words, “the ones who likes to make everything fast”.

Another point experts say about its importance is for the girl to avoid having sex with the wrong ones. This will further avoid any heartbreaks and depression the girl might encounter and will avoid any unwanted pregnancy. So you can’t blame this girl for letting you wait, it’s in our tradition. If you really like her, I suggest that you wait.

Psychologically Speaking….

The other aspect of your problem is that this girl of yours has an ex-boyfriend. Now in Psychology, there’s this thing we call “the stages of grieving”. It was made by a doctor named Kubler Ross. Now you might ask, “What the hell does this have to do with my situation?” Let me explain it to you in detail so you’ll understand what’s happening to her because your situation is not really confusing as you thought.

There are 5 stages of grieving, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Everyone of us encounter this from time to time. For example, when someone breaks up with her boyfriend, the first thing she would feel is “Denial”. In this stage, she would say to herself, “No, I can’t believe we broke up” or “This is not happening, I refuse to believe it”. When this happens, the individual might go back and beg for the guy to take her back and if he refuses, then comes the second stage of grieving which is “Anger”.

Anger stage is self explanatory. We all feel this. When the individual feel she was betrayed, she usually says to herself, “That stupid bastard, why did I ever choose him!” or “That lying son of a jackal, I hope he burns in hell!” Some people who cannot overcome this stage will eventually give birth to rage and jealousy which in turn will kill their partner like what happen to the call center agent who was killed out of jealousy.

The next stage which is “Bargaining” she will say to herself, “If I only had some more time, I could show him how I really love him” or “Please Lord, give me some more time to show her how much I love her”. It’s a form of a negotiation to a higher power in exchange for self-redemption.

The forth stage is “Depression”. I think this is self explanatory because all of us have already experienced this numerous times in our life. Most people who have a weak self esteem spend an enormous amount of time in this stage because they refuse to accept what happened to them. It might be that what happened was traumatic and recuperating from it will take time.

Now I want you to pay close attention to this stage, Depression. This is where your girl is at now. Because she had a past love experience with her boyfriend, she refuses to do something rash like going directly into a relationship without any closure from her boyfriend. This explains why she keeps communicating with him it’s because she is finding closure with him.

People who are depressed needs time to think and heal. They surround themselves with friends and family so they can heal past wounds. This is why it’s important that you respect her and give her space. If she says she doesn’t want any relationship at this moment then agree with her. Why? Because if she did, it will only mean that she is using that relationship to cover up her depression. And she doesn’t want to do that to you. If she does want to have a relationship with you, she wants to be ready and complete, with no strings attached so stop getting jealous and try to understand her.

So when is she her depression going to end? When she reaches the last stage which is “Acceptance”. In this stage, she has already accepted her fate that her boyfriend is gone and she needs to move on. It’s hard to tell when she’s going to come into this stage but I know she can reach this. It is only through time that we will find your answer.

In conclusion…

Right now she is undergoing depression. Do not confuse her action. It’s how people with depression react. You have to respect her needs by giving her time and space so she could make peace with her past. If you rush her into something she’s not ready for, she will react by becoming defensive and might distance herself from you even more and I know you don’t want that.

Try to understand what she’s going through. If you really love her, wait for her. Never rush on love. Right now, all she wants is someone to say her feelings to and I suggest you try to listen to her. Forget your jealousy and pride for a moment, if you want to help her, understand her. It’s the least you can do to ease her pain.

i believe to what docEdd said...